Free chapter · The Bridge

One Conversation, Both Sides of the Table

From Think Fast, Say It Right: Don’t Get Played at Work by Sebastian L. Zilempe · about 12 minutes

Everything in Half One was written from the leader's chair. Everything in Half Two will be written from the chair across the desk. Before we switch, this short chapter sits in the middle and does something different. It takes a single conversation and plays it three times.

First, we watch it from the manager's side: what he sees, what he fears, and the moves he thinks the other person is making. Then we rewind and watch the exact same conversation from the employee's side. Finally, we replay it with both people using the tools from this book, thinking ten moves ahead.

The point is simple and important. In almost every tough workplace conversation, both people believe they are the one being played. Both are protecting real wants. Both are guessing at the other's motives. And both have the power to make the conversation go well or badly. Once you see a conversation from both sides, you never quite see it from just one side again.

Here is the situation.

Maya is a senior specialist at a medical billing company that handles claims for about forty doctors' offices. She has been there four years. She is the person everyone goes to when a claim gets rejected for a reason nobody understands, and she trained half the current team. Her manager is Tom, the billing operations manager, who has led the department for two years.

Three weeks ago, a recruiter called Maya about a role at a larger health system. The pay is about fifteen percent higher. She hasn't applied. She isn't sure she wants to leave. But the call made her realize she hasn't had a real raise in two years.

On Tuesday afternoon, she asks Tom for fifteen minutes.

Take One: The Manager's Side

Tom is behind on a client report when Maya knocks. She closes the door, which Tom notices immediately. Closed doors usually mean problems.

"Thanks for making time," she says. "I'll be direct. I think I'm underpaid for what I do here, and I'd like to talk about a raise. And to be honest, I've been contacted about another job that pays quite a bit more."

Tom's stomach tightens. Here is what goes through his head in the next five seconds.

She has an offer. Is it real? If it is, how much? Is this a bluff to get leverage? He remembers the last time someone on his team came in with an outside offer. He matched it, and within a month two other people asked for raises too.

If she leaves, we're in trouble. Maya handles the hardest rejected claims. Two of his biggest clients ask for her by name. He has read that replacing an employee can cost half to two times their salary, and for someone like Maya, he suspects the real cost would be worse. Months of rework, unhappy clients, and a team that loses its best teacher.

I don't control the budget. Raises above three percent need approval from the company's owner, who is in a cost-cutting mood after losing a client last quarter.

Is this fair to everyone else? Three other senior specialists do similar work. If Maya gets fifteen percent, what does he say to them?

And underneath all of that, a quieter thought: Why didn't she come to me before she started talking to other companies? Did I miss something?

Tom feels squeezed from every side. He reacts the way many managers do. He protects himself.

"I appreciate you telling me," he says. "But you know raises are tight right now. The owner just froze most increases. I can probably get you three percent at review time in January."

Maya's face changes. Tom sees it and adds, "And honestly, I'd be careful with these recruiter jobs. Bigger systems can be pretty rough places to work."

Maya says, "Okay. Thanks," and leaves.

Tom tells himself he handled it. He didn't cave to pressure. He didn't make promises he couldn't keep. He even gave her some friendly advice.

What he actually did, by the standards of Half One, was close to every mistake in the book. He reacted to the offer instead of understanding the person (Chapter 10). He defended instead of asking a single question (Chapter 3). He anchored the conversation on the lowest possible number. He used a light version of a guilt and fear move about the other job (Chapter 1). And he left without a plan or a next step.

Take Two: The Employee's Side

Now rewind to Tuesday afternoon, and watch from Maya's chair.

Maya has been dreading this conversation for a week. She rehearsed it in her car twice and still isn't sure what to say. Here is what is going on in her head as she knocks.

I don't actually want to leave. She likes her team. She likes Tom, mostly. She likes being the person who solves the problems nobody else can. The bigger health system would mean a longer commute and starting over as the new person.

But I'm tired of being taken for granted. For two years, she has been training new hires on top of her own claims, with no change in title or pay. Every time she's mentioned it, Tom has said something encouraging and nothing has happened.

If I don't mention the offer, he won't take me seriously. She has watched people ask for raises politely and get nothing. The recruiter's call feels like the only leverage she has ever had.

But if I mention it, he might think I'm disloyal. Or he might call my bluff. She hasn't even applied. If Tom says, "Then take it," she'll have to either leave or look like she was bluffing.

And what number do I ask for? She doesn't know. Fifteen percent feels greedy. Five feels like nothing.

So she walks in and says what she rehearsed. "I think I'm underpaid. And I've been contacted about another job that pays quite a bit more."

Then Tom talks about frozen raises and three percent in January. And then he says that bigger systems are rough places to work.

Maya hears something very different from what Tom meant. She hears: You're not worth fighting for. And I'll try to scare you into staying. The friendly advice lands like a threat. The three percent lands like an insult. She thinks, Two years of training his team, and this is what it's worth.

She walks out and, that evening, applies for the job.

Look at the conversation from Maya's side and you see her mistakes too, the ones Half Two will help front-line employees avoid. She led with a threat before she led with her value. She never said what she actually wanted (recognition and a lead role, more than money alone). She hadn't figured out what Tom needed to make a case to the owner. She didn't name a specific, defensible number, so Tom's low number became the anchor. And she had no plan for what to say if he pushed back.

What Each One Missed

Put the two takes side by side and something striking appears. Each person was guarding exactly what the other person needed.

Tom's real wants were security (not losing his best specialist), fairness (not creating a pay problem with the rest of the team), and safety from blame (not asking the owner for something and getting turned down, or getting blamed if Maya left). He needed a reason he could take upstairs.

Maya's real wants were status (to be recognized for what she actually did), fairness (to be paid fairly for doing two jobs), and security (to be able to stay somewhere she liked without feeling foolish). She needed to feel valued, and she needed a real path.

Both were also afraid of being played. Tom suspected Maya was using a bluff for leverage. Maya suspected Tom was using fear to keep her cheap. Neither was quite right. Both were protecting themselves.

Remember the perspective-taking research from Chapter 5. In studies by Adam Galinsky and his colleagues, negotiators who focused on what the other side was thinking reached creative deals about 76 percent of the time, compared with 54 percent for those who focused on the other side's feelings. Neither Tom nor Maya did much of either. Each was focused almost entirely on their own fears.

Take Three: Both Sides Thinking Ahead

Now let's replay the conversation one last time, with both people using the tools from this book.

Maya prepares

The weekend before, Maya does the preparation Half Two will teach in detail.

She maps Tom's real wants. He can't lose me without real damage, but he doesn't control the budget, he's worried about fairness with the others, and he needs something he can take to the owner.

She figures out her own real want. Honestly, the title matters as much as the money. I want to be recognized as the lead for training and hard claims.

She gathers evidence for her case: the number of new hires she trained, the two clients who ask for her by name, and the rejection rate on the hardest claims since she started handling them.

She picks a number she can defend. Research by Galinsky and Mussweiler found that first offers tend to pull the final outcome toward them. So instead of waiting for Tom to name three percent, she'll anchor first with a number based on the market and her role: a lead title and a twelve percent raise.

And she builds a short what-if map. If he says the budget is frozen, I'll ask what it would take and offer a timeline. If he asks about the other job, I'll be honest: I haven't decided, and I'd rather stay.

Tom prepares

Maya asked for the meeting a day in advance and mentioned it was "about my role and pay," so Tom has time to prepare too.

He remembers what Chapter 10 taught him: don't react to the offer; understand the person. He reminds himself of the Gallup finding that most people who quit said no leader had talked with them about their future in their last three months, and he realizes he has never had that conversation with Maya.

He checks what he can actually offer: three percent without approval, more with the owner's sign-off, and a title change that he can approve himself.

And he plans his first ninety seconds: thank her, show she matters, and ask before deciding anything.

The conversation

Maya opens. "Thanks for making time. I want to talk about my role and pay. Over the last two years, I've trained six of our new hires, handled our toughest rejected claims, and two of our biggest clients ask for me by name. I'd like to be recognized as a lead specialist, with a raise that reflects that. I think twelve percent is fair based on what lead roles pay in our area. I also want to be honest: a recruiter contacted me about another job. I haven't applied, and I'd rather stay here. But it made me realize I need this to change."

Tom feels the jolt at "recruiter" and takes a breath. He notices how differently this lands from a threat. She led with her value, named what she wanted, and said she wanted to stay.

"Thank you for being so clear, and for telling me about the recruiter instead of just leaving. You're right that you've been doing a lead's job without the title, and that's on me. Can I ask, what matters most to you here: the title, the pay, or something else?"

Maya thinks. "Both, honestly. But being recognized as the lead matters a lot."

"Here's what I can do and what I can't. I can approve the lead title myself, starting this month. For the raise, anything above three percent needs the owner's approval, and he's cautious right now. What would help me most is a short summary of what you've just told me: the training, the claim results, and the clients who ask for you. I'll take it to him this week and push for the full twelve. I'll have an answer for you by Friday."

Maya hears exactly what she needed: recognition, a real effort, and a date. "I can have that to you tomorrow."

On Thursday, Tom brings Maya's summary to the owner, along with his own estimate of what losing her would cost in client risk and rework. The owner approves ten percent now and a review in six months. On Friday, Tom tells Maya the truth: "I pushed for twelve. I got ten now, with a review in six months, and the lead title is yours. I know it's not everything you asked for."

Maya takes it. She tells the recruiter she is staying.

What Changed

The situation in Take Three was identical to the first two takes: same people, same budget, same outside offer. What changed was that both people walked in having thought about the other side.

• Maya led with value, not threat. The offer became information, not a weapon.
• Maya anchored with a defensible number, so Tom's low starting point never took hold.
• Tom asked before he answered, and learned that the title mattered as much as the money.
• Tom said what he could and couldn't do, and committed to a date.
• Maya gave Tom what he needed to sell it upstairs: a written case. Tom gave Maya what she needed to stay: recognition and a real effort.
• Neither one played the other. And both got more than they would have by protecting themselves.

The Bridge to Half Two

Half One taught leaders to see the moves people make on them, predict the reactions of the people they lead, and say the right thing under pressure. Half Two turns the table around. It is written for the Mayas: front-line employees who have less power, who often feel played by managers, and who need to protect themselves, earn trust, and push back without paying for it.

Many of the tools are the same. Real wants, reaction prediction, what-if mapping, buying time, pattern libraries: they work from any chair. But the stakes and the moves look different from below. A manager who loses a hard conversation might lose face. An employee who loses one might lose a job, a raise, or a reputation that took years to build.

If you are a leader, read Half Two anyway. Seeing your own moves from the other side of the desk is one of the fastest ways to become a better boss. And if you are a front-line employee who skipped ahead to Half Two, the Bridge is a good reminder that your manager is usually not a villain. Most of the time, they are a person under pressure, protecting their own real wants, just like you.

Chapter Takeaways

• In most tough conversations, both people believe they are the one being played.
• Each side usually guards exactly what the other side needs. Tom needed a case he could take upstairs; Maya needed recognition and a real effort.
• Leading with value instead of threat changes how an outside offer lands.
• Anchoring first with a defensible number keeps a low counter from setting the range.
• Asking before answering reveals what the other person actually wants.
• Saying what you can and can't do, with a date, builds trust even when the answer isn't everything.
• Thinking about the other side's wants turns a contest into a deal both people can live with.

Drill: Play Both Chairs

Think of a tough conversation you expect to have soon, with someone above or below you. Write two short paragraphs.

1. Your side: What do you really want? What are you afraid of? What move do you suspect the other person will make on you?
2. Their side: Now write the same three things from their chair. What do they really want? What are they afraid of? What move do they suspect you will make on them?

Read both paragraphs together. Most people find at least one thing the other person needs that they could easily give, and at least one fear the other person has that they could easily put to rest. Start the conversation with one of those.

In the next chapter, Half Two begins with the moves managers make on employees, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without realizing it.