Jobs that need people skills grew fastest

Economist David Deming tracked U.S. jobs from 1980 to 2012. Jobs that called for high social skills (coordinating, negotiating, persuading, explaining) grew as a share of all employment, and their pay rose faster than pay for jobs that only needed strong math or technical skills. Jobs that needed both did best of all. His explanation: computers handle routine tasks well, but they can't yet replace the back-and-forth of people working out a problem together.

Use it: Treat communication as a career skill you build on purpose, the way you would build Excel or accounting skills. Technical ability gets you in the room; communication decides what you do there.

Deming, Quarterly Journal of Economics, 2017

Employers screen for it, and say graduates fall short

Every year the National Association of Colleges and Employers (NACE) asks employers which attributes they look for on new graduates' résumés. Problem-solving, teamwork and written and verbal communication consistently sit at or near the top of the list. Employers also tend to rate graduates as less proficient in communication than the graduates rate themselves.

Use it: Don't just list "strong communication skills" on a résumé. Show it: "Presented quarterly results to a 40-person leadership team" or "Wrote the onboarding guide now used for all new hires."

NACE Job Outlook survey, 2025

Most of us misjudge how we come across

Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich and her team studied thousands of people. They found two kinds of self-awareness: knowing your own values and reactions (internal), and knowing how others see you (external). The two weren't related; people could be strong in one and weak in the other. Most people believed they were self-aware, but only a small share met the researchers' criteria. One surprise: asking yourself "why" ("Why did I react like that?") tended to produce stories that felt true but weren't helpful. Asking "what" ("What situations bring this out in me?") worked better.

Use it: Use the style quiz as a starting point, then check it against reality. Ask two colleagues one specific question: "What's one thing I do in meetings that helps, and one thing that gets in the way?"

Eurich, Harvard Business Review, 2018

Warmth first, then competence

Research by Susan Fiske, Amy Cuddy and Peter Glick found people size others up on two questions: Is this person friendly? Are they capable? Together these explain most of an overall impression. Warmth is judged first and carries more weight, often within a second.

Use it: In a client meeting, open warmly: use their name, show interest in their situation. Then demonstrate competence with a specific insight about their business. Leading with credentials alone can read as cold.

Fiske, Cuddy & Glick; summarized in Harvard Magazine, 2010

Snap judgments form in a tenth of a second

Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov showed people photos of faces for one-tenth of a second, half a second or a full second. Judgments of trustworthiness, likability and competence made after a tenth of a second closely matched judgments made with no time limit. More time mostly made people more confident, not more accurate or different.

Use it: You can't control a split-second first read, but you can make the next minute count: a real greeting, their name, eye contact and one question about them. Early warmth gives people a reason to update their snap judgment.

Willis & Todorov, Psychological Science, 2006

Good listening changes how the other person thinks

In studies by Guy Itzchakov, Avraham Kluger and colleagues, people talked about their views to a listener who was either attentive or distracted. With an attentive listener, speakers felt less anxious, were less defensive and expressed more nuanced views, acknowledging both sides of an issue. Listening didn't just make people feel good; it made them more open.

Use it: When a colleague is upset or dug in, listen fully before you respond. People who feel heard become more willing to consider your point.

Itzchakov, Kluger & Castro, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2017

Hearing your pitch makes you seem smarter

Juliana Schroeder and Nicholas Epley had MBA students write or record a short pitch for a job they wanted. Professional recruiters and other evaluators who heard the pitch rated the candidates as more competent, thoughtful and intelligent, and liked them more, than evaluators who read the identical words. They were also more interested in hiring them. The difference came from tone, pace and variation in the voice, which signal a thinking mind.

Use it: When something matters, such as a job inquiry, a proposal or a request for a raise, try to get it heard, not just read. Ask for a quick call, or record a short audio or video message.

Schroeder & Epley, Psychological Science, 2015

Power posing doesn't do what the famous talk claimed

A small 2010 study suggested that standing in an expansive "power pose" for two minutes raised testosterone and lowered stress hormones. A 2015 replication with about 200 people, led by Eva Ranehill, found no effect on hormones or risk-taking. People did report feeling slightly more powerful. Later reviews concluded that poses may modestly affect how powerful you feel, but not your hormones or performance.

Use it: Skip the poses and spend those two minutes rehearsing your opening line. Preparation is the most reliable source of a calm, confident delivery.

Ranehill et al., Psychological Science, 2015

We overestimate how persuasive our emails are

In a study by Mahdi Roghanizad and Vanessa Bohns, participants asked strangers to fill out a short survey, either face to face or by email. People expected both approaches to work about equally well. In fact, face-to-face requests were far more successful, about 34 times more likely to get a yes. The explanation: senders know they're trustworthy, but recipients see only an unfamiliar message with a link, which can look like spam.

Use it: For any request that matters, such as a favor, a budget approval or a referral, ask in person or by phone first. Use email to follow up and send the details.

Roghanizad & Bohns, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2017

Media richness: match the channel to how unclear the message is

Management researchers Richard Daft and Robert Lengel ranked channels by "richness": face-to-face is richest (voice, expression, instant feedback), then phone, then personal written messages, then formal reports and mass email. Their theory: rich channels suit messages that are ambiguous or open to interpretation, while lean channels suit clear, routine information. Later research has added nuance (people who know each other well can handle complex topics in leaner channels), but the core idea remains a useful guide.

Use it: Ask: could this message be read two different ways? If yes, choose a richer channel. If it's purely factual, a lean one saves everyone time.

Daft & Lengel, Management Science, 1986

We overestimate how awkward a call will be

People expected phone calls to feel more awkward than email, so they chose email even though they predicted a call would feel more connecting. In practice, calls created stronger bonds, weren't more awkward than expected, and took about as long as writing and reading emails. Audio alone was enough; video wasn't necessary.

Use it: When an email thread hits three back-and-forths, or a client relationship needs warming up, pick up the phone.

Kumar & Epley, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2021

People can hear you smile

Researchers at the University of Portsmouth recorded people speaking with and without smiling, then played the recordings to listeners who couldn't see them. Listeners could reliably tell when a speaker was smiling, and could even distinguish different kinds of smiles. Smiling changes the shape of the mouth, which changes the sound of the voice.

Use it: Before you pick up a business call or leave a voicemail, smile as you say the first line. It warms your tone without changing a single word.

Drahota, Costall & Reddy, Speech Communication, 2008

Communication eats most of the workday

Microsoft's 2023 Work Trend Index, based on a survey of 31,000 people in 31 countries plus Microsoft 365 usage data, found that email, meetings and chat take up 57% of the average workday, leaving 43% for focused work. More than two-thirds of people (68%) said they didn't have enough uninterrupted time to focus.

Use it: Every message you send costs someone else time. Before sending, ask whether it needs a reply, and say so: "No reply needed" or "Reply by Friday."

Microsoft Work Trend Index, 2023

Checking email less often lowers stress

Kostadin Kushlev and Elizabeth Dunn asked 124 adults to check email only three times a day for one week, and as often as they liked for another week. During the limited week, people reported less daily stress. Most found it hard to stick to, even though it helped.

Use it: Batch your inbox: set two or three fixed times a day to process email, and turn off notifications in between. Tell your team when you check so urgent items come by phone.

Kushlev & Dunn, Computers in Human Behavior, 2015

Shorter emails get more replies

Harvard researcher Todd Rogers and Jessica Lasky-Fink emailed about 7,000 U.S. school board members asking them to complete a short survey. Half got a 127-word email; half got a 49-word version with the same link. The short version earned nearly twice the response rate (4.8% versus 2.7%). Readers of the short email also expected the survey to take less time, even though it was the same survey.

Use it: Before sending, cut every sentence that doesn't help the reader act. Aim for an email they can understand in under 30 seconds.

Rogers & Lasky-Fink, Writing for Busy Readers, 2023

What 40 million emails suggest about getting replies

The email company Boomerang analyzed replies to more than 40 million messages. Emails of 50 to 125 words got replies more than half the time. Messages written at a simple reading level outperformed those at a college reading level, and emails with one to three questions got more replies than those with none. Subject lines of three or four words did best. This is observational data from one company's users, so treat it as a pattern, not a rule.

Use it: Keep the body short, the words plain, and include a clear question. "Can you approve this by Thursday?" beats "Let me know your thoughts."

Boomerang data analysis, 2016

We overestimate how well email conveys tone

In experiments by Kruger, Epley and colleagues, people sent messages meant to be sarcastic, serious, funny or annoyed. Senders were consistently overconfident that readers would pick up the intended tone, and misreadings were common, even between friends. Senders "hear" their own voice in their writing; readers don't.

Use it: Avoid sarcasm and dry humor in work email. Before sending anything sensitive, reread it as if you were the recipient having a bad day.

Kruger, Epley, Parker & Ng, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2005

Emojis don't work like real smiles

Ella Glikson, Arik Cheshin and Gerben van Kleef ran experiments with participants from 29 countries. In formal work emails from someone the reader didn't know, adding a smiley didn't increase how warm the sender seemed, unlike a real smile in person. It did lower how competent the sender seemed, and readers shared less information in their replies.

Use it: With new contacts, clients and senior people, skip emojis until they use them first. Show warmth with words instead: "Thanks so much for the quick turnaround."

Glikson, Cheshin & van Kleef, Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2018

Big words make you seem less intelligent, not more

Princeton psychologist Daniel Oppenheimer gave people writing samples, such as application essays, in their original form or with words swapped for longer, fancier ones. Readers rated the authors of the plain versions as more intelligent. Hard-to-read writing made readers work harder, and they blamed the author. His paper's title makes the point by breaking the rule: "Consequences of erudite vernacular utilized irrespective of necessity."

Use it: Choose "use" over "utilize," "help" over "facilitate," "start" over "commence." Plain words read as confident, not simple.

Oppenheimer, Applied Cognitive Psychology, 2006

"Because" is powerful

People asked to cut in line at a copy machine. With no reason, 60% agreed. Adding "because I'm in a rush" raised it to 94%. Even an empty reason, "because I have to make copies," got 93%. Hearing a reason made people more willing to say yes.

Use it: Attach a real reason to every request: "Can you send the file by noon, because the client call is at one?" This was a small favor, so don't count on empty reasons for big asks.

Langer, Blank & Chanowitz, 1978

Big words make you look less smart

Readers rated authors as less intelligent when they used long words needlessly. Hard-to-read fonts had the same effect. When writing is easy to process, people judge both the message and the writer more favorably.

Use it: "Use" instead of "utilize." "Help" instead of "facilitate." "Start" instead of "commence." Pick readable fonts.

Oppenheimer, Applied Cognitive Psychology, 2006

Framing changes decisions

When a plan was described as "200 people will be saved," 72% chose it. When the identical outcome was worded as "400 people will die," only 22% chose it. Same facts, different words, opposite decisions.

Use it: Be aware of the frame you choose. "90% on-time delivery" and "10% late" land differently. For big decisions, show both frames so people decide on facts, not wording.

Tversky & Kahneman, Science, 1981

Say what to do, not only what to avoid

In Wegner's "white bear" studies, people told not to think of a white bear kept thinking of it, and thought of it even more afterward. Giving them something else to think about reduced the rebound. The research is about thoughts, but the lesson carries to instructions: give people a positive target.

Use it: "Save your work every 15 minutes" instead of "Don't forget to save." "Keep the client informed" instead of "Don't leave the client in the dark."

Wegner et al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1987

Specific words make people feel heard

Researchers analyzed more than a thousand customer service calls and messages. When employees used concrete language, words people can picture like "your gray T-shirt" instead of "that item," customers were more satisfied and more likely to buy again. Concrete words signal that you were listening.

Use it: Swap general words for specific ones: "I'll rebook your Denver flight" instead of "I'll take care of that."

Packard & Berger, Journal of Consumer Research, 2021

If people can picture it, they remember it

Memory research has long found that concrete, easy-to-picture sentences are encoded faster and remembered better than abstract ones. "Revenue grew" is harder to hold onto than "We signed 14 new clients in March."

Use it: Anchor every abstract claim with a number, a name or an image.

Moeser, Memory & Cognition, 1975

Promotional adjectives are everywhere, which makes them weak

A study of research grant abstracts from 1985 to 2020 found promotional adjectives like "novel," "critical," "innovative" and "unprecedented" rose dramatically. The authors warned that this kind of "spin" can reduce clarity. When every idea is "innovative," the word stops meaning anything.

Use it: Replace hype adjectives with the fact that justifies them: not "innovative process" but "the first process in our region to close books in two days."

Study of NIH grant abstracts, reported by the Association of Health Care Journalists, 2022

Minds wander almost half the time

Harvard researchers pinged 2,250 people at random moments through a phone app. Nearly half the time, people were thinking about something other than what they were doing. Mind-wandering also predicted lower happiness.

Use it: Assume your audience will drift and plan "re-entry points": a question, a pause, a new visual, or a change of speaker every few minutes.

Killingsworth & Gilbert, Science, 2010

Asking people to recall keeps them present

Students watched an online lecture. One group answered short questions between segments. They mind-wandered half as often, took about three times as many notes, and scored 90% on the final test vs 68% for the group that wasn't quizzed. Simply re-watching material didn't help.

Use it: Break any talk or training into segments and end each with a quick question: "What are the two risks we just covered?"

Szpunar, Khan & Schacter, PNAS, 2013

Curiosity primes the brain to remember

When people were curious about a trivia answer, the brain's dopamine reward circuit and the hippocampus (key for new memories) became more active. They remembered those answers better a day later. They even remembered unrelated faces shown while they waited.

Use it: Open with a question or a gap before giving the answer: "Last quarter, one change cut support tickets by a third. Want to guess what it was?"

Gruber, Gelman & Ranganath, Neuron, 2014

Stories sync the speaker's and listener's brains

Brain scans showed listeners' activity mirrored a storyteller's, a second or two behind. The syncing vanished when listeners couldn't understand. In some areas, listeners' brains ran ahead, predicting what came next, and more of that prediction meant better understanding. The sample was small (11 listeners), so treat it as promising, not settled.

Use it: Wrap data in a short story with a person, a problem and a turning point. Let the audience predict the outcome before you reveal it.

Stephens, Silbert & Hasson, PNAS, 2010

Feelings make facts stick

Emotionally arousing experiences, pleasant or unpleasant, activate the amygdala, which helps strengthen long-term memories. Amygdala activity while learning emotional material strongly predicts later recall.

Use it: Show why it matters to real people: the customer who waited three weeks, the employee whose idea saved $40,000. Keep it genuine; manufactured drama backfires.

McGaugh, Annual Review of Neuroscience, 2004

Interesting extras can hurt learning

Mayer's multimedia research found people learn better when extra material is cut and key points are highlighted with signals like color or contrast. "Seductive details," fun but irrelevant facts or images, tend to pull attention away from the main point and reduce what people remember.

Use it: Every joke, photo or tangent should support your point. Highlight the one number that matters instead of showing the whole spreadsheet.

Mayer, Multimedia Learning; Rey, Educational Research Review, 2012

Working memory is small

Cowan's research suggests young adults can hold about three to five meaningful items in working memory at once. Older claims of "seven, plus or minus two" overestimated it when people couldn't rehearse or group the items.

Use it: Stick to three key points. Group details into named chunks: "three risks: cost, timing, staffing" is easier to hold than nine separate facts.

Cowan, Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2001; Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2010

Recalling beats re-reading

Students who re-studied a passage did better on a test five minutes later. But after a week, students who had practiced recalling it did better. Pulling information out of memory strengthens it more than putting it in again.

Use it: End trainings and meetings by asking people to state the takeaways in their own words, rather than reading a summary slide to them.

Roediger & Karpicke, Psychological Science, 2006

Spread it out

Across 317 experiments, spaced review beat cramming the same amount into one session. The longer you need people to remember something, the longer the best gap between reviews.

Use it: Don't announce a new policy once. Mention it in the meeting, follow up by email two days later, and revisit it in a week.

Cepeda et al., Psychological Bulletin, 2006

The serial position effect

When people recall a list, they remember the first items (primacy) and the last items (recency) better than the middle. The middle of a long presentation is where key points go to be forgotten.

Use it: State your main point in the first minute and repeat it in the last minute. Put routine details in the middle.

Murdock, Journal of Experimental Psychology, 1962

Show and tell, but don't read your slides

People learn more from words combined with relevant pictures than from words alone. But reading on-screen text aloud word for word tends to hurt learning, because listeners must process the same words twice.

Use it: Use a simple chart or image on the slide and explain it out loud. Keep slide text to a short headline.

Mayer, multimedia and redundancy principles

Make each slide title the point, not the topic

Penn State engineering professor Michael Alley and colleagues tested the "assertion-evidence" slide design: a full-sentence claim as the headline ("Remote onboarding cut ramp-up time by two weeks"), with a chart or image as evidence below, instead of a topic title ("Onboarding") with bullets. In studies with engineering students, audiences who saw assertion-evidence slides understood the material better and had fewer misconceptions. The studies were done in classrooms, but the principle transfers well to business.

Use it: Write every slide title as the one sentence you want the audience to remember. If you can't, the slide may not need to exist.

Garner & Alley, International Journal of Engineering Education, 2013

Most leaders say their meetings don't work

Harvard Business School professor Leslie Perlow and colleagues surveyed 182 senior managers across industries. 71% said meetings were unproductive and inefficient, 65% said meetings kept them from finishing their own work, and 64% said meetings came at the expense of deep thinking. The authors argue the fix starts with treating meeting time as a shared, limited resource rather than a default.

Use it: Before scheduling, ask: what decision or outcome needs live discussion? If the answer is "just sharing updates," send a written update instead.

Perlow, Hadley & Eun, Harvard Business Review, 2017

Standing meetings finish faster

Allen Bluedorn and colleagues had 111 five-person groups solve the same problem, either sitting or standing. Sit-down meetings lasted 34% longer, but decisions were no better. Standing groups were a little less satisfied with the meeting, so this works best for short, focused check-ins, not long planning sessions.

Use it: For daily check-ins and quick decisions, try standing, or set a hard 15-minute limit.

Bluedorn, Turban & Love, Journal of Applied Psychology, 1999

Why video meetings drain people

Stanford researcher Jeremy Bailenson identified four likely causes: constant close-up eye contact, staring at your own face, being stuck in one spot, and the extra mental work of sending and reading cues on screen.

Use it: Shrink the video window, hide your self-view, take audio-only breaks in long meetings, and make cameras optional when they aren't needed.

Bailenson, Technology, Mind, and Behavior, 2021

Cameras, not meetings themselves, drive much of the fatigue

Kristen Shockley and colleagues followed 103 employees for four weeks, with cameras on for meetings in some weeks and off in others. On camera-on days, people reported more fatigue, and fatigue reduced how engaged and vocal they were in meetings. The effect was stronger for women and for people newer to the organization, possibly because they felt more pressure to look engaged.

Use it: Make cameras optional for routine meetings, and on for short moments that need connection, like introductions or sensitive topics. Leaders can model this by turning theirs off sometimes.

Shockley et al., Journal of Applied Psychology, 2021

Video calls narrow brainstorming

Melanie Brucks and Jonathan Levav found that pairs brainstorming over video produced fewer creative ideas than pairs in the same room. Eye-tracking showed video participants stared at their partner's face on the screen, while in-person pairs looked around the room more, and that wider focus helped ideas flow. Choosing the best idea worked just as well over video.

Use it: Brainstorm in person when you can. On video, try having everyone generate ideas alone first (in a shared doc), then meet to discuss and decide.

Brucks & Levav, Nature, 2022

Start small: the foot in the door

Only 17% of homeowners agreed to put a large "Drive Carefully" sign in their yard. But 76% agreed if they had first said yes to a tiny window sticker. Later research shows the effect is real but often smaller and less consistent than this first study.

Use it: Ask for a 15-minute call before asking someone to join your project.

Freedman & Fraser, 1966

Concede from a bigger ask: the door in the face

Students were asked to chaperone a zoo trip. 17% agreed. When they were first asked to volunteer two hours a week for two years and said no, 50% then agreed to the zoo trip. The smaller request felt like a fair concession. It works best when the second ask comes right away and the person asking is credible.

Use it: In negotiations, open with your full, reasonable request, then offer a genuine smaller alternative. Never invent an absurd first ask; people notice.

Cialdini et al., 1975

"Most people do this" beats "please do this"

A hotel's standard "help the environment" card got about 38% of guests to reuse towels. A card saying most guests reuse their towels raised that to about 48%. People follow what others actually do.

Use it: "Most of the team submits timesheets by Friday noon" works better than "Please submit your timesheet." Never say "nobody does this," which normalizes the problem.

Goldstein, Cialdini & Griskevicius, Journal of Consumer Research, 2008

Reminding people they're free to say no

Adding "but of course, you're free to decline" showed a medium boost to agreement across 52 experiments, especially face to face. But a 2024 re-examination found the effect nearly disappeared in the most rigorous studies. It may help a little, and it never hurts trust.

Use it: End requests with a genuine out: "No pressure if your plate is full." Do it because it's respectful, not as a trick.

Meta-analysis and re-examination, Meta-Psychology, 2024

The first number on the table pulls the outcome toward it

Adam Galinsky and Thomas Mussweiler found that whoever made the first offer in a negotiation tended to get a better final result, because the first number becomes an "anchor" that shapes the whole discussion. The effect weakened when the other side focused on their own goals or thought about the first offerer's alternatives. Making the first offer is most useful when you've researched a fair range; if you know little about market value, letting the other side go first can protect you.

Use it: Prepare your number from real data (market rates, past deals, quotes). If you're well prepared, open first and justify it briefly.

Galinsky & Mussweiler, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2001

Precise numbers signal homework

Malia Mason and colleagues at Columbia Business School found that precise opening offers like $4,850 drew counteroffers closer to the opening number than round ones like $5,000. People assumed a precise number was based on careful research, so they adjusted less.

Use it: If your number comes from real analysis, show it: "$62,400, based on the median for this role in our region," rather than "about $60,000."

Mason, Lee, Wiley & Ames, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2013

Asking follow-up questions increases liking

Harvard researchers analyzed hundreds of online and in-person conversations. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were rated as more likable. In speed dating, people who asked more questions were more likely to get a second date. Follow-ups signal that you're listening and interested.

Use it: In interviews, ask follow-up questions about what the interviewer says: "You mentioned the team is growing. What's driving that?"

Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017

Asking for advice makes you look smarter, not weaker

Alison Wood Brooks, Francesca Gino and Maurice Schweitzer found that people who asked for advice were seen as more competent than those who didn't. Being asked for advice is flattering, which makes the advisor think better of the person asking. The effect was strongest when the task was hard and the question was asked of someone with relevant expertise.

Use it: In career conversations, ask specific, thoughtful questions: "What did you focus on in your first year that made the biggest difference?" works better than "Any advice?"

Brooks, Gino & Schweitzer, Management Science, 2015

Most good interviews follow a script, so prepare for one

A meta-analysis by Michael McDaniel and colleagues found that structured interviews, where every candidate gets the same job-related questions and is scored the same way, predicted job performance better than casual, unstructured conversations. That's why many employers now use behavioral questions like "Tell me about a time when…"

Use it: Prepare five or six STAR stories (Situation, Task, Action, Result) that show teamwork, conflict, leadership, failure and a measurable result. Most behavioral questions can be answered with one of them.

McDaniel, Whetzel, Schmidt & Maurer, Journal of Applied Psychology, 1994

The facts, the feelings and your identity

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project found that every hard conversation is really three at once. "What happened": who's right and who's to blame. Feelings: emotions that are often unspoken but drive everything. Identity: what this says about me ("Am I competent? Am I a good person?"). Most people focus only on the first, arguing about facts, while the other two quietly decide the outcome.

Use it: Shift from "who's right" to "how did we each see it?" and from blame to contribution: "Here's what I did that made this harder."

Stone, Patton & Heen, Difficult Conversations, 1999

Your mood sets the room's mood

In a Yale study, a trained actor joined small groups and expressed different moods. When the actor was upbeat, the group's mood rose too. Those groups cooperated more, had less conflict, and rated their own performance higher.

Use it: As a meeting leader or manager, your energy spreads. Open with genuine optimism about the goal, and stay steady when things go wrong.

Barsade, Administrative Science Quarterly, 2002

Putting feelings into words calms them

When people labeled the emotion on a face, such as "angry," activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center, dropped compared with other tasks. The researchers note the effect is likely modest, but it supports a practical habit: saying "I'm frustrated" helps you stay in control better than showing frustration.

Use it: Say the emotion calmly instead of acting it out: "I'm frustrated that the deadline moved again" beats a sigh, a slammed laptop or a sharp tone.

Lieberman et al., Psychological Science, 2007

Turn nerves into excitement

Before giving a speech, people who said "I am excited" out loud were rated more persuasive, competent and confident than people who said "I am calm." Anxiety and excitement are both high-energy states, so reframing nerves as excitement is easier than forcing yourself to relax.

Use it: Before a presentation, interview or negotiation, tell yourself "I'm excited about this," not "Calm down."

Brooks, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2014

Bottling it up has a cost

When people suppressed their emotional reactions during a conversation about an upsetting topic, communication suffered, rapport dropped, and both partners' blood pressure rose. People who reframed the situation instead didn't show these costs.

Use it: Instead of stuffing feelings down, reframe them: "This setback means we found the problem before the client did."

Butler et al., Emotion, 2003

Anger can win concessions, but it's a risky tool

In negotiation experiments, people conceded more to an opponent who expressed anger than to a happy one, because they read anger as a sign the opponent was near their limit. But the effect depended on the situation and disappeared in some conditions. Anger also risks the relationship and future deals.

Use it: Rather than anger, express firm, measured disappointment: "I'm disappointed with this offer. It's well below what we discussed."

Van Kleef, De Dreu & Manstead, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2004

Explaining your emotion changes how it's received

In mock job interviews, angry men were rated higher in status, while angry women were rated lower in status, pay and competence. But when women explained the reason for their anger, the penalty almost disappeared. Giving the cause made the emotion read as a response to a situation, not a personality trait.

Use it: Anyone expressing strong emotion should name the reason: "I'm frustrated because this is the third missed shipment this month."

Brescoll & Uhlmann, Psychological Science, 2008

Be firm enough to be heard, not so firm you're resented

In research on leaders, coworkers named assertiveness as a weakness more often than almost any other trait, split nearly evenly between "too much" and "too little." People who were too passive couldn't get results. People who were too forceful got their way short term but damaged relationships, which eventually hurt their results too. The most effective leaders could turn assertiveness up or down depending on the situation.

Use it: Match your firmness to the stakes. A one-time slip gets a light touch; a repeated problem gets a direct, private conversation.

Ames & Flynn, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2007

Showing you've heard them keeps disagreements civil

Harvard researchers studied how people disagree. When government executives used "receptive" language during heated policy discussions, their partners rated them as better teammates and advisors. On Wikipedia, receptive opening messages predicted fewer personal attacks later in the conversation. People taught to write receptively were seen as more persuasive and more desirable to work with. The researchers' practical summary is HEAR: Hedge your claims, Emphasize agreement, Acknowledge the other view, Reframe positively.

Use it: Before stating your view, restate theirs and name what you agree on: "You want to protect the budget, and so do I. Where I see it differently is…"

Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 2020

How you start decides how it ends

Psychologist John Gottman's lab observed couples discussing disagreements and found that conversations opening with criticism or sarcasm, which he calls a "harsh startup," tended to end badly. He reports the outcome could be predicted from the first three minutes. This research is about couples, not coworkers, but the lesson carries: a calm, specific opening gives the conversation its best chance.

Use it: Plan your first sentence. Open with the shared goal and a fact, never an accusation.

Gottman Institute, summarizing research with 130 newlywed couples

Put the conclusion first

U.S. Army writing guidance (Army Regulation 25-50) asks writers to put the main point in the first lines, then the supporting details: "bottom line up front." The approach has spread widely in business because busy readers often stop after the first paragraph. Consultant Barbara Minto's "Pyramid Principle," taught at McKinsey, makes the same argument: start with the answer, then group your reasons beneath it.

Use it: Before any update, write your bottom line as one sentence. Start with it. "We'll miss the March 1 launch by one week; here's why and what we're doing."

Army Regulation 25-50; Minto, The Pyramid Principle

Weak ties open doors

A study of more than 20 million LinkedIn users over five years, covering 600,000 new jobs, found that weaker connections helped people change jobs more than strong ones, up to a point. Acquaintances connect you to information and opportunities your close circle doesn't have. The effect was stronger in tech-heavy industries.

Use it: Stay in light touch with acquaintances: congratulate them on news, share a useful article, say hello at events.

Rajkumar et al., Science, 2022

We underestimate how much people enjoy talking to us

After conversations with strangers, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them. They focused on their own awkward moments and missed the other person's signals of interest. The gap appeared in short chats, longer conversations and even among roommates over months.

Use it: After an event, assume the conversation went better than it felt. Send that follow-up message.

Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark, Psychological Science, 2018

Younger boss, older team: the gap can create tension

In a German study, about a quarter of manager relationships had a younger manager. The bigger the gap between a younger manager and older employees, the more anger and frustration employees reported, and companies with more of these emotions performed worse. Hiding the feelings reduced the effect on paper but not the underlying problem.

Use it: If you manage older colleagues, name their experience openly, ask for their input before decisions, and make room for disagreement. Don't pretend the gap isn't there.

Kunze & Menges, Journal of Organizational Behavior, 2017

Talking down triggers pushback

In a nursing home study, residents resisted care in about 55% of interactions when staff used "elderspeak," the sing-song, overly simple talk with terms like "honey." With normal adult conversation, it dropped to about 26%. The setting was specialized, but the lesson travels: people of any age resist being talked down to.

Use it: Speak to every colleague as a capable adult. No "sweetie," "kiddo," or "young lady," and no over-explaining technology to older coworkers unless they ask.

Williams, Herman, Gajewski & Wilson, American Journal of Alzheimer's Disease, 2009

Some thinking skills peak young

MIT and Harvard researchers found that different mental skills peak at different ages. Raw speed of processing information peaked around 18 or 19, and short-term memory kept improving until about 25. Other skills, like vocabulary and reading other people's emotions, peaked much later, in middle age.

Use it: Young colleagues may take in information faster than you do, while you may bring more vocabulary and emotional reading. That's a strong pairing, not a hierarchy.

Hartshorne & Germine, Psychological Science, 2015

Sharp thinking, still-developing impulse control

Cognitive capacity reached adult levels around 16, but psychosocial maturity, like resisting peer pressure and controlling impulses under stress, kept developing past 18. In calm, unhurried conversations, teens reason like adults. Under time pressure, strong emotion or peer pressure, the gap shows more.

Use it: Hold important conversations in calm settings and give time to think before a decision. Avoid putting young people on the spot in front of a group.

Icenogle et al., Law and Human Behavior, 2019

High standards plus belief in them

Seventh graders received critical feedback on essays with one of two notes. The standard note said the comments were "feedback on your paper." The other said: "I'm giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them." Among students who tended to distrust school, that one sentence raised the share who revised their work from 27% to 64%.

Use it: When giving a young employee or intern critical feedback, say why: you have high standards, and you believe they can meet them.

Yeager et al., Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2014

Speak to their values, not down to them

Telling teens what's "good for them" often fails. In one study, researchers instead framed healthy eating as standing up to manipulative food marketing, which tapped into teens' values of independence and fairness. Eighth graders then chose healthier snacks and drinks, even when they didn't know anyone was watching.

Researchers reviewing why many programs for teens fail concluded that the ones that work tap into adolescents' heightened sensitivity to status and respect, instead of telling them what to do.

Use it: Explain the "why" in terms of what they care about: autonomy, fairness, being taken seriously, and making a real contribution.

Bryan et al., Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2016

What adults expect, teens may live up to

In a study that followed more than 250 middle schoolers and their mothers for a year, mothers who expected their teens to be rebellious and take risks had teens who reported more risk-taking a year later, even after accounting for other factors. The researchers suggest negative stereotypes can work like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's an association, not proof of cause, but the pattern matches decades of research on expectations.

Use it: Expect professionalism and capability from young people, and say so. Low expectations often become the ceiling.

Buchanan & Hughes, Journal of Research on Adolescence, 2009

An audience changes how teens decide

In a simulated driving game, teens and adults took similar risks when playing alone. When friends were watching, only the teens took more risks, and reward areas of their brains became more active. Being seen by peers makes the social payoff of a choice feel bigger at this age.

Use it: Have important conversations one on one, not in front of their peers. Ask for decisions privately, and recognize good work in ways that make them look capable in front of others.

Chein, Albert, O'Brien, Uckert & Steinberg, Developmental Science, 2011

Choices within clear expectations drive engagement

A review of 94 studies found that when teachers supported students' autonomy, by explaining reasons, offering choices and acknowledging their perspective, students felt more capable and more engaged. Clear structure, meaning expectations and guidance, worked alongside autonomy rather than against it. The best results came from combining the two.

Use it: Set clear goals and deadlines, then let young people choose how to get there: "The summary is due Friday and needs these three points. How you organize it is up to you."

Meta-analysis, Educational Psychology Review, 2025

Situations change how people talk

With strangers, women's speech leaned slightly toward building connection and men's toward influencing. With close friends and family, the differences mostly disappeared. Because the gaps appear and vanish by situation, researchers point to social habits more than biology.

Use it: Adapt to the individual and the setting. Someone quiet in a big meeting may be very direct one on one, regardless of gender.

Leaper & Ayres, Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2007

The same behavior can be judged differently

Women who promoted their accomplishments were rated more competent, but less likable and less hireable. Men who downplayed themselves were seen as less competent. Each sex was penalized for stepping outside expectations.

Use it: When evaluating colleagues, ask: "Would I react the same way if a man or woman said this?" When promoting yourself, tie achievements to team results and data.

Rudman, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1998

Avoiding the opposite sex backfires

A 2019 survey found 60% of male managers were uncomfortable mentoring, working alone with, or socializing with women. Senior men were 12 times more hesitant to have one-on-one meetings with junior women than with junior men. Avoidance cuts people off from the mentoring and visibility careers depend on.

Use it: The fix isn't avoidance. Apply the same professional standards to everyone: if you meet one on one with some colleagues, offer the same to all.

LeanIn.Org & SurveyMonkey, 2019

Being the same sex isn't a free pass

In 1998, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that a man harassed by male coworkers could bring a sex discrimination claim under federal law. Crude jokes, hazing or unwanted comments between people of the same sex can cross the line too.

Use it: Familiarity isn't permission. Keep the same professional boundaries with every colleague.

Oncale v. Sundowner Offshore Services, 1998

Culture is relative: it depends on who you're working with

INSEAD professor Erin Meyer maps cultures on eight scales: communicating (explicit vs. implicit), evaluating (direct vs. indirect criticism), persuading (principles-first vs. applications-first), leading (egalitarian vs. hierarchical), deciding (consensus vs. top-down), trusting (task-based vs. relationship-based), disagreeing (open debate vs. avoiding confrontation) and scheduling (fixed time vs. flexible time). Her key point: what matters is the gap between two cultures, not where either one sits on its own. To a German colleague, an American may seem indirect; to a Japanese colleague, the same American may seem very direct.

Use it: Before working with a new international partner, think about where your culture and theirs sit on each scale. Plan for the biggest gaps.

Meyer, The Culture Map, 2014

Native speakers carry the burden of being understood

Harvard Business School professor Tsedal Neeley studied companies that adopted English as their shared business language. She found that non-native speakers often felt anxious and withdrew from discussions, while native speakers rarely noticed. Teams worked better when native speakers slowed down, avoided idioms and checked for understanding, and when leaders actively drew out non-native speakers.

Use it: With international colleagues, drop idioms ("touch base," "ballpark," "hit it out of the park"), speak a little slower, and follow important calls with a written summary.

Neeley, Harvard Business Review, 2012

Owning the mistake matters most

Researchers tested six apology elements: expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, acknowledging responsibility, declaring repentance, offering repair and asking for forgiveness. Acknowledging responsibility was the most important, followed by offering to repair the damage. Asking for forgiveness mattered least. More elements generally made apologies more effective.

Use it: Say clearly, "That was my mistake," then say what you'll do to fix it. Skip "if you were offended."

Lewicki, Polin & Lount, Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 2016

Even an apology for something you didn't cause can build trust

In a study by Alison Wood Brooks, Hengchen Dai and Maurice Schweitzer, an actor asked strangers at a train station on a rainy day to borrow their phone. When he first said "I'm so sorry about the rain!", 47% agreed, compared with 9% when he just asked. The researchers concluded that "superfluous apologies" show empathy and increase trust. The field study had no neutral comparison, such as a friendly remark about the weather, so part of the effect may come from any warm opener.

Use it: Expressions of regret for things outside your control ("I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this") can show care. Don't use them to dodge responsibility for things you did cause.

Brooks, Dai & Schweitzer, Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2014

Timing matters: let them speak before you apologize

Cynthia Frantz and Courtney Bennigson found that apologies were more effective when they came later in a conversation, after the hurt person had a chance to explain how they felt, rather than right away. An instant apology can feel like a way to close the subject before the other person has been heard.

Use it: When someone raises a problem, listen first: "Tell me what happened from your side." Then apologize, specifically, for what you heard.

Frantz & Bennigson, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2005

What great managers actually do

Google's Project Oxygen studied what separates its best managers. The updated list of ten behaviors includes coaching well, empowering the team without micromanaging, building an inclusive team, being results-focused, communicating well (both listening and sharing information), supporting career development, having a clear vision, technical skill, collaborating across the company and making strong decisions. Google reported the list predicted team turnover, satisfaction and performance.

Use it: Communication runs through almost every behavior on the list. Listening and sharing information are named directly.

Google Project Oxygen, reported by Quartz, 2018

Your manager shapes your experience more than anything else

Gallup's research across millions of employees found that managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement between teams. Teams with the same pay, policies and company culture can feel completely different depending on who leads them. Gallup's data points to frequent, meaningful conversations, such as weekly check-ins about goals and progress, as one of the strongest habits of engaging managers.

Use it: Hold a short, regular one-on-one with each person. Don't cancel it when things get busy; that's when it matters most.

Gallup, State of the American Manager, 2015

Teams perform better when it's safe to speak up

Harvard professor Amy Edmondson defined psychological safety as a shared belief that a team is safe for taking interpersonal risks: asking questions, admitting mistakes, disagreeing. In her studies, teams with more psychological safety reported more errors, because they were willing to talk about them, and learned faster. Google's Project Aristotle later studied about 180 of its own teams and found psychological safety mattered more than any other factor in what made a team effective.

Use it: Respond to bad news with curiosity, not blame: "Thanks for flagging it early. What do we need to fix it?" How you react the first time sets the rules.

Edmondson, Administrative Science Quarterly, 1999; Google re:Work

Feedback can backfire when it targets the person

Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi reviewed decades of research on feedback. On average feedback improved performance, but in about a third of cases it made performance worse. Feedback that drew attention to the person ("you're careless") rather than the task ("the totals on page 3 don't match") was most likely to backfire.

Use it: Keep feedback about the work, specific and forward-looking: "Next time, double-check totals against the source file before sending."

Kluger & DeNisi, Psychological Bulletin, 1996

Many buyers would rather skip the salesperson

A 2024 Gartner survey of 632 business buyers found that 61% preferred an overall "rep-free" buying experience. Gartner's advice to sales leaders wasn't to sell harder. It was to offer something buyers can't get from a website: a sounding board who helps them think through their decision and gives guidance specific to their situation.

Use it: Ask yourself before every call: "What will this person understand or decide better because they talked to me?" If the answer is "nothing they couldn't read online," rethink the call.

Gartner press release, June 2025

Sales has a trust problem to overcome

Every year Gallup asks Americans to rate the honesty and ethics of different professions. In its 2019 poll, only 9% rated car salespeople high or very high, and 13% said the same of insurance salespeople. Nurses topped the list at 85%. Sales roles have ranked near the bottom for decades.

Use it: Don't take initial guardedness personally; it's not about you. Expect to earn trust with your first few minutes of behavior, not your title or your company's reputation.

Gallup Honesty and Ethics poll, 2019

Customers can spot a tactic, and it changes how they hear you

Marketing researchers Marian Friestad and Peter Wright described the "persuasion knowledge model": over a lifetime of ads and sales pitches, people build up knowledge about persuasion tactics. When they notice one (a fake deadline, flattery, an "only two left" message), they stop focusing on the product and start focusing on the tactic, often becoming more skeptical of the seller. Later research has supported this pattern in many settings.

Use it: Drop anything that feels like a technique. Give real reasons, real deadlines and real numbers. Honesty is the one approach a skeptical buyer has no defense against.

Friestad & Wright, Journal of Consumer Research, 1994

Pressure triggers the urge to say no

Psychologist Jack Brehm's theory of psychological reactance holds that when people feel their freedom to choose is threatened, they become motivated to restore it, often by doing the opposite of what they're being pushed toward. Demands like "you need to decide today" can make a reasonable offer feel like a trap.

Use it: Make their freedom obvious: "Take the time you need," or "If it's not the right fit, I'd rather you tell me." People relax when they don't have to defend themselves.

Brehm, A Theory of Psychological Reactance, 1966

The best sellers aren't the loudest

Wharton professor Adam Grant studied 340 call-center sales representatives and tracked their revenue for three months. Reps in the middle of the extraversion scale, called "ambiverts," earned about $155 per hour, compared with about $125 for strong extraverts and $120 for introverts. Grant's explanation: very outgoing reps can talk too much and come across as overconfident, while ambiverts naturally balance speaking up with listening.

Use it: If you're outgoing, practice pausing and asking one more question. If you're quiet, practice stating your recommendation clearly. Both are moving toward the same balanced middle.

Grant, Psychological Science, 2013

The trust equation

In The Trusted Advisor, consultants David Maister, Charles Green and Robert Galford describe trust as four parts. Credibility: do you know what you're talking about? Reliability: do you do what you say? Intimacy: is it safe to tell you the real problem? Those three are divided by self-orientation: how much you seem focused on yourself (your quota, your pitch, looking smart). It's a practical framework from experience, not a lab finding, but it's widely used because it's easy to act on.

Use it: The fastest way to raise trust is often to lower self-orientation: talk less about your product and quota, and more about their situation.

Maister, Green & Galford, The Trusted Advisor, 2000

Successful sellers ask about problems and consequences

Neil Rackham's research team at Huthwaite observed about 35,000 sales calls over 12 years. In larger, more complex sales, successful sellers asked more questions, and especially more questions about the customer's problems and the consequences of those problems, before describing their product. Rackham organized the pattern as SPIN: Situation, Problem, Implication and Need-payoff questions. Less successful sellers jumped to features early.

Use it: Don't stop at "What's the problem?" Ask "What happens when that goes wrong?" and "What would fixing it mean for you?" The customer sells themselves on the value.

Rackham, SPIN Selling, 1988

Winning calls had a bit less seller talking

The sales software company Gong analyzed about 326,000 recorded sales calls on its platform. On average, sellers talked about 60% of the time. In deals that were won, seller talk time averaged 57%; in deals that were lost, 62%. The difference was largest for lower-performing sellers. This is correlation from one company's customers, not an experiment, but it fits the broader research on listening and question-asking.

Use it: Aim for the customer to talk at least as much as you do in early calls. If you notice you've been talking for more than a minute straight, finish with a question.

Gong call analysis, 2025

Saying "it's your choice" can make a yes more likely

In many studies, adding a simple reminder like "but you are free to say no" to a request increased how often people agreed. A 2013 meta-analysis by Christopher Carpenter reported that it roughly doubled compliance across 42 studies. A larger 2024 re-examination found a smaller but still meaningful effect overall, strongest in face-to-face requests, while noting that the best-controlled studies showed little effect. The safest takeaway: respecting choice doesn't hurt, and it often helps.

Use it: End recommendations with genuine freedom, not a closing trick: "That's what I'd do in your position. Totally your decision, and I'm happy to answer anything else."

Carpenter, Communication Studies, 2013; Meta-analysis in Meta-Psychology, 2024

Mentioning the downside, and answering it, builds credibility

Communication researcher Daniel O'Keefe combined dozens of studies comparing one-sided messages (only the benefits) with two-sided messages (benefits plus drawbacks). Two-sided messages that acknowledged a downside and then answered it were more persuasive than one-sided ones. Simply listing downsides without addressing them was less persuasive outside of advertising, so the answer matters.

Use it: Name the honest trade-off and explain why it still makes sense: "It costs more upfront than the other option. Over three years, though, you'd spend less because maintenance is included."

O'Keefe, Communication Yearbook, 1999

The "too many choices" effect is real only sometimes

A famous 2000 study found shoppers were more likely to buy jam from a display of 6 flavors than 24. But a 2010 meta-analysis of 50 experiments by Benjamin Scheibehenne and colleagues found the average effect of having more options was close to zero. Overload seems to happen under specific conditions, like when options are hard to compare or the person has no clear preference.

Use it: Don't hide options, but do the comparing for them: "There are five plans. For your situation, it comes down to these two. Here's the difference."

Scheibehenne, Greifeneder & Todd, Journal of Consumer Research, 2010

Listening lowers the wall

Studies by Guy Itzchakov, Avraham Kluger and colleagues found that when people talked to an attentive, non-judging listener, they became less anxious and less defensive, and expressed more balanced views, considering both sides. The same happens with a hesitant customer: arguing hardens the objection, while listening softens it.

Use it: When you hear an objection, your first move is a question, not a rebuttal: "That's fair. Tell me more about that."

Itzchakov, Kluger & Castro, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2017

A short, unexpected check-in means more than you think

In a series of experiments with more than 5,900 participants, Peggy Liu and colleagues found that people consistently underestimated how much others appreciated being contacted with a short message, a note or a small gift. The gap was largest when the contact was a surprise and when the relationship was weaker, which describes many customer relationships.

Use it: Don't let fear of being a bother stop a genuine check-in. "I saw this and thought of your expansion project" is welcome far more often than you'd guess, as long as it's real and not a disguised pitch.

Liu, Rim, Min & Min, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2022

For important follow-ups, call

Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found people expected phone calls to be more awkward than email, so they chose email, even though calls created stronger feelings of connection and weren't actually more awkward. (See Phone & voicemail.)

Use it: After a sale, a two-minute call to make sure everything arrived and works does more for the relationship than a survey email.

Kumar & Epley, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2021

Analysis plus people skills is the winning combination

Economist David Deming found that from 1980 to 2012, U.S. jobs needing both strong math or analytical skills and strong social skills grew fastest in employment and pay. Jobs needing only analytical skills did less well. Consulting is a clear example of that combination: the analysis gets you to an answer, and communication gets the client to act on it. (See Core skills.)

Use it: Budget your time accordingly. On many projects, preparing how you'll explain and discuss the findings deserves as much attention as the analysis itself.

Deming, Quarterly Journal of Economics, 2017

Most consulting failures start at the beginning

In Flawless Consulting, a long-standing guide for consultants, Peter Block describes five phases: entry and contracting (agreeing on goals, roles and what each side will provide), discovery (gathering data), feedback and decision (sharing findings and deciding what to do), implementation, and extension or exit. Block argues that many problems blamed on the client, such as resistance or missing data, can be traced to a weak contracting conversation at the start. It's a framework from decades of practice rather than controlled research, but it's widely taught.

Use it: Before any work starts, get agreement in writing on the problem, the deliverables, who you'll have access to, how decisions will be made and what the client will contribute.

Block, Flawless Consulting, 4th ed., 2023

Humble inquiry: the consultant's most useful habit

MIT professor Edgar Schein, one of the founders of organizational psychology, argued that consultants and leaders too often "tell" when they should ask. His approach, called humble inquiry, means asking questions you don't already know the answer to, out of genuine curiosity, so the client can think through and explain their own situation. Schein found that the problem a client first describes is often not the real one, and that the client usually knows more about their organization than the consultant ever will.

Use it: In early meetings, replace "Here's what you should do" with "Tell me more about how that happened" and "What have you already tried?"

Schein, Humble Inquiry, 2013; Process Consultation Revisited, 1999

People enjoy sharing their views, so give them the chance

Harvard researchers Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell found that talking about one's own thoughts and opinions activated brain regions associated with reward. In one experiment, people even gave up small amounts of money to answer questions about themselves rather than about other people. In interviews, this works in your favor: most staff are glad to explain how their work really happens, if you ask well and listen.

Use it: Start interviews with questions about the person's own role and views ("What does a normal week look like for you?"), not about the problem. It warms them up and gives you context.

Tamir & Mitchell, PNAS, 2012

The follow-up question is the most underused tool in conversation

Karen Huang, Alison Wood Brooks and colleagues analyzed chats between strangers and speed dates. People who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions that built on what the other person had just said, were liked more. In speed dating, people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a second date. Follow-ups show you were listening.

Use it: After someone answers, ask about what they just said before changing the subject: "You mentioned you moved from finance to operations. What made you switch?"

Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017

Conversations almost never end at the right time

Adam Mastroianni and colleagues at Harvard studied 932 conversations, some between strangers in a lab and some everyday conversations reported in a survey. Only about 2% ended when both people wanted them to. In many, both people wanted to stop earlier but neither said so. People were also poor at guessing how long their partner wanted to talk.

Use it: Don't take a conversation's length as a sign of interest, and give people easy exits: "I know you've got a busy afternoon, so I'll let you go. This was really helpful."

Mastroianni, Gilbert, Cooney & Wilson, PNAS, 2021

Attention comes and goes in shrinking cycles

Diane Bunce and colleagues gave chemistry students clickers to report, privately, whenever they noticed their attention had lapsed. Some lapses came just 30 seconds into a lecture, more around four and a half minutes, and then they came in cycles that got shorter as the lecture went on. Most lapses were brief, a minute or less. Lapses were less frequent during demonstrations and questions, and fewer in the lecture segment right after an activity than before it.

Use it: Don't wait 10 minutes to re-engage people. Build in small changes of pace throughout, and use an activity to "reset" attention before your most important content.

Bunce, Flens & Neiles, Journal of Chemical Education, 2010

Attention and memory decline across a long talk, and a story can bring them back

Jonathan Farley, Evan Risko and Alan Kingstone asked students to rate their attention every 5 minutes during a 40-minute video lecture and tested what they remembered. Attention dropped over time, and so did memory: students retained less from the second half. One block broke the pattern: the one containing a memorable personal anecdote, which students remembered unusually well. Lower attention explained the drop in memory.

Use it: Put your key message early, and plan a story or example for the second half of any long talk, where attention is lowest.

Farley, Risko & Kingstone, Frontiers in Psychology, 2013

Asking the audience to do something keeps them with you

Karl Szpunar, Novall Khan and Daniel Schacter split a 21-minute online lecture into four segments. Viewers who answered a few quick questions on the material after each segment reported about half as much mind wandering (versus about 40% for others), took more notes and remembered more on a final test. Simple breaks or re-watching the material didn't produce the same benefit.

Use it: Every 5 to 10 minutes, ask the audience to do something: answer a question, make a prediction, apply an idea to their own situation.

Szpunar, Khan & Schacter, PNAS, 2013

Mind wandering is the default, not a sign your talk is bad

Harvard researchers Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert used a phone app to ask about 2,250 adults, at random moments, what they were doing and thinking. People's minds were wandering about 47% of the time, across nearly every activity. Your audience isn't uniquely distracted; drifting is how human attention works.

Use it: Repeat your main point at the start, middle and end. Someone will have missed it the first time.

Killingsworth & Gilbert, Science, 2010

Make it about them

Psychologists have found for decades that people remember information better when they relate it to themselves, a pattern called the self-reference effect. A 1997 meta-analysis by Cynthia Symons and Blair Johnson combined 129 studies and confirmed it is reliable. For a speaker, it means content framed around the audience's own situation, numbers and decisions is more likely to stick than general information.

Use it: Turn general points into personal ones: not "Late shipments hurt retention" but "Think about your three biggest customers. Which one would you lose first?"

Symons & Johnson, Psychological Bulletin, 1997

A story transports people

Melanie Green and Timothy Brock found that when people become absorbed, or "transported," into a story, they're more likely to accept the beliefs it carries and less likely to pick it apart. Later research has supported the idea across many settings. Stories also break up abstract content: in the lecture study above, the block with a personal anecdote was the best remembered.

Use it: Back each key point with a short, true story about a real person: a customer, an employee, a similar company. Keep it under a minute and tie it back to the point.

Green & Brock, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2000

What makes someone seem boring

Wijnand van Tilburg and colleagues asked people in the U.S. and U.K. what makes someone boring. The most typical traits were lacking interests, lacking humor and having no opinions. People rated these "boring" individuals as less warm and less competent, and said they would avoid spending time with them. These are stereotypes, not facts about real people, but they show what audiences react against.

Use it: Take a position. "Here's what I'd do, and why" holds attention far better than a neutral list of pros and cons.

Van Tilburg et al., Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2022

The curse of knowledge: experts forget what it's like not to know

In a 1990 Stanford study by Elizabeth Newton, one person tapped the rhythm of a well-known song and another tried to guess it. Tappers predicted listeners would guess about half the songs. Listeners got 3 out of 120, about 2.5%. The tappers heard the melody in their heads; the listeners heard only knocking. Consultants face the same gap: after weeks inside a problem, your conclusions feel obvious, but the client hears only the "knocking."

Use it: Test your key slides on someone outside the project. If they can't explain the main point back to you, simplify it.

Newton, Stanford University dissertation, 1990; described by Heath & Heath, Harvard Business Review, 2006